I don't think there is a word for how I am feeling right now. I'm so mad, so upset.. my eyes are leaking some strange clear fluid..
I recently (as in an hour ago) found out that The BigGuy has done the unthinkable. He's done a lot of underhanded things after we broke up (Sleeping with my friends, changing the locks on the house my son lived in, trying to get a restraining order so I couldn't see his children // who I raised for 12 years // throwing out all our stuff - including things my grandmother made me that I can never replace)..
And still. Still I wished him well, wished him happiness. I didn't have any ill-will towards him. Not anymore. When I saw him at the grocery store I was about to say Hi... then he ran from me. *insert eye-roll here*
But now, now he has done something that I can never, ever forgive him for. Never.
If you've been here a while, you'll know that we had a duck. A duck I didn't want, but loved non-the-less. I was his mother, he followed me around the house. When the BigGuy and I broke up, we shared custody of Albert.. He came back and forth with Spawn. Then one day, the BigGuy decided I wasn't allowed to have Albert. It was either too cold, or he was sick, or he was losing feathers (of course he was. He was stressed that he didn't have his mother anymore).. I begged him to let me see him. He stopped returning my messages. Emails. I saw Albie through FaceTime when TheBigGuy would go out and I would get a call from the youngest.
Well, I just found out that the BigGuy gave Albert away. And not to a friend, or relative.
A farm. A fucking farm.
He gave my pet, the house duck, the duck that wore diapers for-fucks-sakes... Cast him away like he was some barnyard animal. I can only imagine the horror, how cold our winters are.. how appetizing he looks to owls & hawks.. How many feathers did he lose after his family abandoned him?
You see, Ducks imprint. They stay in their family groups their entire lives. He would have been so stressed out... probably tried to follow him, and then panicked when 'Dad' walked away. I can hear him calling out... over and over.. All fucking night long... wondering where 'Dad' went.. Wondering who these strange creatures are that don't speak his language..
I just can't believe that he wouldn't have reached out. That he hated me and Spawn so much, that he didn't have the basic human decency to ask if we wanted him. If he didn't want him anymore, all he had to do was call me. Call my sister. My mother. Call. I would have dropped everything to go get him.
My Albie.
To the day I die.. I will never forgive him for this.