So... here's something..
Don't watch the fucking Notebook.
Fucksakes.
Don't watch the fucking Notebook.
Fucksakes.
So... here's something..
Don't watch the fucking Notebook. Fucksakes.
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Today I'm sad.
I mean, I'm still angry. But I'm sad too. So.. Dude transfers me money he owes me. It wasn't about the money - it was the principal that he asked me to bring over beer & smokes, then broke up with me // Or I guess, didn't break up with me, just let me know that this was only a FWB thing we were doing.. For a year,.. even though you said it wasn't... Anyways.. Dude transfers me more than double. I tell him, he doesn't owe me that much.. and then he replies with a tally of things I've purchased over the last few months. Again, I tell him, it isn't about the money, I wasn't asking for all that back. Only the money from the last day. He tells me to take the money. And move on. I'm sorry - what? Move on? Like he did months ago and didn't tell me? Like he even needed to move on.. I was only FWB.. minus the fucking friend part. Obviously. I don't know what I did to deserve this. He's so cold. He hates me, and I don't know why. I don't know what I expected, I guess maybe I expected a little more of an emotional response. Maybe an apology. Maybe ask me how I've been doing since you fucked my whole world up. He's completely content not knowing me. After everything - I'm nothing to him. He's removed me from his social media accounts. Deleted me from his life. It's like I never existed in the first place. Nothing. "Move on" Sad. I did something terrible last night... I can barely bring myself to admit it..
Okay, here we go.. *Deep Breath* I ate MacDonalds... I know right? I was feeling shitty.. About myself, about this stupid dude. (Isn't it funny how failed relationships make us feel like we are broken or unloveable? Anyways..) My girlfriend gave me a coupon - Combo: $6 - so, I ate a quarter pounder. With Cheese. Extra pickles. Tasted like sadness and hate. So delicious. Give it about 15 minutes, and I felt like crap. Physically & emotionally now.. so I did a quick 30 minute lower body circuit. Felt a bit better. Had a shower. Felt a bit more better. // My grammar prof is rolling his eyes at that last sentence.. I think this is so hard for me because there isn't any closure. I'm a closure person. I like to know the why. I HAVE to know the why, or my mind will continue to obsess over what I did, or could've done, or didn't do, who's the someone else, how long was it going on for, how long would he have led me on for, why did he lie, was it all a lie? And I'll read the conversations over and over, looking for some kind of sign that I shouldn't have missed, or something to make sense of any of this.. .. I digress. I have to accept that there isn't any closure for this. I need to stop looking for answers. I need to remember that some people just aren't good people. Some people are only out for themselves in this crazy world. Some people are perfectly content using people, taking advantage of them. And once the project is done, once someone else is puting out.. .. It's I-Don't-Love-Yous & Second-Place-Sarah. The paint wasn't even fucking dry yet.. Sarah's angry.
So very angry. I mean, I guess it helps knowing that he doesn't give a shit about me. If he did, he'd reach out. See if I was okay.. or, I dunno - fucking apologize. I don't even know if I would want to talk to him, but at least I'd know that he cared a little. Maybe that would make me feel better. Or maybe it wouldn't. My friends are all "move on", "he doesn't see your worth", "You're better off" Blah. Blah. Blah. I know. I know all of this, it doesn't make me feel any better tho. I'm so pissed off. I want to scream, and punch things. Mature isn't it? I'm pissed that he never cared about me. I'm pissed that I can't listen to certain country songs because they remind me of the time he sung them to me. I'm angry that my coworkers ask me about him (did I mention he came to my work Christmas party? Oh yeah.) I'm pissed that I read all these damn poems on insta and they make me teary. I'm effn livid that I GET teary over someone who clearly used me for an entire year. A whole FUCKING year.. For trusting him. For thinking that I finally found someone who wasn't like all the rest of the fucking douchbags in my life. Sarah's don't get HappilyEverAfter... I'm angry at myself for forgetting that.. I broke the rules. I broke my own damn rules. Broke my own heart. And in typical Sarah fashion, if I can't sing about it. I'll write about it.
Almost a year and a half ago, I met a dude. I already kinda knew him, but we were formally introduced. Shook hands.I think I said something stupid (Sarah's normally do) and that was it. Nice to meet you. It's gonna sound dumb. I almost don't want to type it.. but when I shook his hand, and looked him in the eye.. I felt something, I know - I know - I can't explain it. But for months afterward I couldn't stop thinking about him. I tried to go on with my life, but then he popped up on my social media accounts.. And again.. I'm thinking about him. So. Fine. I will send him a message, and see what happens. What happened was a year long conversation. A friendship. I fell, head over heels for this dude. He liked what I liked, shared my values, we couldn't stop talking to each other. The sex was amazing. I got attached. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. Everything. But Sarah's don't get Happily-Ever-Afters. He promised me things. We talked about the future, we talked about living together. Hell, he even said my name sounded good with his last name. He said all the right fucking things to get me. I had expectations. I mean, of course I did. He looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me. Then, all of a sudden he doesn't know what he wants. I'm good enough to be his girlfriend at night, when he needs beer or snacks. I'm all he wants when he is drunk, when he's drunk he loves me. When he's drinking I am all he's ever wanted. Oh.. but then the day comes.. the sun rises and he isn't sure. He needs time. He doesn't love me anymore. And I cry, and ask him to make sense of this DayDude / NightDude. Who do I believe? We talk, he says all the right things. I pick up the pieces of my broken heart.. and he mends them back together, carefully. He says - Let's do this. For REAL. I'm happy, I buy concert tickets. I plan camping trips. Three weeks later, I'm sitting in my sisters kitchen, crying into a cup of tea - trying to figure out why he lied when he said he loved me. Why did he drag me back in.. Why did he hug me, kiss me, dance with me in his garage. Why did he invite me to his house, hold me while I slept and tell me I was all he ever wanted? Only to wake up the next morning, and act as tho I meant nothing to him. Sarah the Side Chick. Come see her in her natural habitat.. playing the fool as always. I am so stupid. I let him do this to me a second time, I had expectations (That he helped build with his bullshit) and I got attached. How? How am I here once again? How did I let myself fall so hard for someone? Why am I sitting here.. crying over a stupid fucking boy who isn't even thinking about me? How do I care so much, and he so fucking little? How did I not see that all he wanted was a SideChick... It was never real to him, it was never going to be real. I was living in my own little fantasy world. The one where the Sarah gets the happy ending, where no one cheats or lies, He didn't even show any remorse. I'm standing in his kitchen, crying (I'm so pissed that I cried in front of a boy - you don't even know). I'm crying because I asked him 6 months ago if he was sure. I asked him 4 months ago if he was sure. I asked him 3 weeks ago. And he was sure. I made him happy, he tells me. So happy. He loves me. Liar. So - He hugs me, why? He's not sad. He doesn't care that he'd broken my heart for the second (& fucking last) time. He gives me a wad of toilet paper and sends me on my way. Doesn't even say he's sorry. Did I expect an apology? I guess I fucking did. I guess I expected that I was more to him than just some SideChick. Instead I get Thanks. Thanks??? Thanks for keeping you warm at night? Thanks for giving me something to do when you're drunk and horny? Thanks for being there for you no matter what? For loving you when you didn't fucking deserve it? Thanks for the manual labour? Yeah. Fuck you. |
Sarah
Mother, cupcake creator, zombie lover.. Archives
December 2017
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