I bought a fish.
His name is Fat Elvis.
His name is Fat Elvis.
The dating world sure has changed in 15 years.
I don't remember the last time I actually attempted "Dating".. I don't even know if I did. My generation just call it hooking up. We meet someone, bump Uglies for a few weeks.. then find someone else. When I was young, people had this entire ritual. You would get yourself all pretty, go out to a bar, ignore the dude that you think is hot in hopes that he would come talk to you. He sends his friend in as a test, then comes over with drinks, small talk, flirting, maybe a roofie or two, and before you know it you have a phone number and a 'hookup later' promise. Now? We have social media. Dating apps. Facebook, Plenty of Fish, Ashley Madison, Tinder.. The only effort you need to put in is a close up selfie from the right angle - pick a filter <I like Valencia> and a border. Then all you need is a little blurb that will tell all potential suitors everything they need to know to sweep you off your feet. Please... Basically all you need to remember is everyone out there is completely full of shit. No one ever tells the truth - They know they can't get balls deep telling you they work at McDonalds, so they tell you they are an aspiring chef. Months later you will be in the drive thru, ordering your coffee and there's the dude you use to bang.. "Aspiring" to be upgraded to fryer duty. **Side Note - I'm not saying there is anything wrong with working at a fast food restaurant. I'm saying don't lie to me about it. I totally respect the people that prepare my dinner. Just kidding - I don't eat McDonalds.. or dinner.** Okay, Ready? Here we go! Top 10 Things You Need To Know About Online Dating If you said this in a loud booming voice, and used jazz hands you get extra points. Cause that's what I did. Don't judge me. Jazz hands are totally underrated. 1) Hats. Hats are amazing magical items. Hats make a balding dude look like he has hair. They make girls look super cute. They cover lazy eyes, no eyes, eyebrows, huge foreheads, scars, age spots, mullets, skullets & wrinkles. Beware of the hat. 2) Never trust someone with more pets than tattoos. Trust me on this one. 3) If they describe themselves as a "Foodie" this means that they are probably overweight. Probably very unhealthy. Fast Food junkie. Hasn't eaten a salad in years. 4) "Adventurous" means they spend the majority of their time sitting on the couch. They probably live with their mother. 5) If they list their height always subtract 3 inches if they are a dude. Add 2 inches if there are a girl. 6) Tigers are important. I'm not sure why yet, but I'm working on it. 7) "Freelance" under job description probably means they are on welfare. 8) "No Hookup's" really means All The Hookups I Can Get. MORE HOOKUPS!! ONLY HOOKUPS!!! 9) Kids. If they say "Its my nephew" or "Not my kid" It is. It is definitely their kid. They think you will judge them. And you do. You are judging them right now, admit it. 10) The Multi-Friend picture. You know, the ones with a dude or chick and 3 or more of their friends.. You try to search for the person that is the same in each picture, but you can't (damn hats) They will say that they are their hot friend, the one of the left of the chick with the beard. You meet them, turns out they ARE the chick with the beard. But you've already ordered a drink, and they offered to pay for dinner. So you stay, have a few more drinks... and then the good night kiss is really awkward.. and hairy. And now you're not completely sure if you are a lesbian or not... It seems that Barbieand her Accessory have been reading my blog. The Accessory retaliates over social media, to get a rise out of me? I don't waste my time with these things. I could get into the whole "Friend Code" .. where you don't fuck your friends boyfriend. Especially after being friends with them for 5 years. Lying to me the entire time about your intentions. She could have been honest with me years ago.. why be friends if she was only trying to get in bed with my boyfriend?
I could get into the fact that she is just filling a void for him - a rebound - but I wont waste the letters. I wish Barbie & the BigGuy all the best. Mine are high-heels to fill, and if she fills them for him so be it. I've accepted it, and moved on. But here's a thought... No one is keeping anyone here. This is my website, my blog page. It's my instagram page. If you don't like what I write... Stop fucking reading it. Or y'know, if you have something you want to say to me, grow some fucking balls and say it to my face. A few things I have learned over the weekend.
One: I dance like a white girl. Two: Me and the BigGuy know a lot of people Three: I am tainted. Damaged goods. I went out this weekend, bar hopped with a friend of mine. One of the bars we happened upon is a bar that I haven't been in in years. I see people that I haven't seen in years. Smile, wave, say hi. etc. This happens from time to time, depending on where I am. But sometimes... Sometimes - this happens... Him: "Hey.. You're <BigGuy's> girl, aren't you? Me: "Used to be" Him: "You broke up?" Me: "A few months ago." Him: "You're still <BigGuy's> girl.. You'll always be <BigGuy's> girl" Then.. to his friend "Nah man, that's <BigGuy's> girl" How is it that I have been branded? How am I untouchable because of who I have dated? Do people see the BigGuy.. and state - "Nah, he's Showgirls.." No, of course not. He doesn't have to worry about being untouchable. Except with people that I call my friends (well most of them - Barbie is the exception to that rule. She obviously knows nothing of the friend code. Whatever) I get to move on, while wearing a brand.. The BigGuy has marked his territory. I am blacklisted from dating anyone who once knew me, or knows someone who knew me. Let's be clear, I wasn't trying to take either one of those gentlemen home with me. Not at all. But I really don't like the whole "marked" thing. How is he still pissing on my leg when he doesn't even want to? |
Sarah
Mother, cupcake creator, zombie lover.. Archives
December 2017
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