It's funny.. the way things go.
The BigGuy is getting a divorce. He was married before we were together, and the first few years I didn't mind at all. The last 5 or so? I wanted him to get divorced. I asked him, numerous times. We fought about it, when we moved into the house - I asked him, make it final. But he couldn't, he wouldn't. He always had an excuse. She doesn't want to, he doesn't have the money. Whats the point?
Weird, 6 months into a new relationship and he is getting divorced.
Whats weirder.. (and if that's not a word I don't care) what is weirder is that I don't care.
I thought it would bother me, shouldn't it bother me? I mean, obviously he is getting a divorce because he wants to further his relationship. I give it less then a year until they are married, hell - they could elope next week. I thought I would be upset that I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough to spend the couple hundred bucks to finalize it. I wasn't enough to move forward with. I wasn't enough to get married with. I wasn't enough.
But, the funny thing is, I'm okay with it.. I am okay knowing that I wasn't enough, and that she is. I'm actually happy that he found someone worth the hassle of divorcing. Worth moving forward with. I wasn't, and that's okay. I just wish we didn't waste so much time getting to that conclusion. Our last big fight, he made mention of him sitting by my bedside after my accident, just to make sure I was okay. I made a comment about Barbie being by my bedside too.. so he wasn't alone was he? He's had her the whole time... Aaaand that was it. Enemies, because there is no worse feeling then when you realize you are wrong in the argument..
We don't talk anymore. He's angry at me again, mostly because I question the validity of his relationship timeline. I have a hard time believing his version of events. His truth when the evidence points to otherwise. But the thing is, who really cares? Why does it matter when they decided they were more than friends? Why does it matter when he decided he didn't love me anymore? All that should matter is he is happy, and I am happy. It is just unfortunate that he can't see past his hatred for me to be amicable for the children. Maybe one day, maybe not. Either way, I'm okay with it.
I met someone (Well I've met a few someones) but one in particular I have spent a bit of time with. He makes me laugh. He is just as witty, smart-mouthed, clumsy, and weird as I am. It's kinda funny actually. It is nice, not having to pretend. Not having to be something you're not, and still being liked for being you. My friendship with him is easy, we just get along.
Shouldn't it be easy? They always say relationships take work, you have to work at it.. but maybe you don't. Maybe it should be easy. Maybe we should be able to lay it all out on the table, handfuls of flaws and quirks, and the other person does the same. And you match flaws, and you match wits.
It's nice, knowing that what I say isn't misunderstood. I can be as sarcastic as I want, and I don't need to worry that my words are being misconstrued into negativity. I can be silly, weird, quirky, and don't have to worry. I can be me, and I know that this person actually likes me for me. He likes my flaws, my weird. He finds me funny, not annoying. He gets me. I don't have to explain myself.
So maybe that's it. Maybe it should be easy, maybe a relationship shouldn't be so much work that it isn't fun anymore.
I don't know where my new friendship is going. I know that we enjoy each others company. He makes me smile. I make him smile. I know that I am cautious, I am careful. I also know, that even if this does crash and burn, there is a lesson here too.
There are people out there who like me for me. Not for who they think I could be, not for what my "potential" is, but for me. They don't like what I could be if I just changed this opinion, or this attitude, or this quirk.
They like me. For me.
I'm enough for them. For someone, I am everything they have always wanted, just the way I am.
I won't settle for someone who doesn't see that.
The BigGuy is getting a divorce. He was married before we were together, and the first few years I didn't mind at all. The last 5 or so? I wanted him to get divorced. I asked him, numerous times. We fought about it, when we moved into the house - I asked him, make it final. But he couldn't, he wouldn't. He always had an excuse. She doesn't want to, he doesn't have the money. Whats the point?
Weird, 6 months into a new relationship and he is getting divorced.
Whats weirder.. (and if that's not a word I don't care) what is weirder is that I don't care.
I thought it would bother me, shouldn't it bother me? I mean, obviously he is getting a divorce because he wants to further his relationship. I give it less then a year until they are married, hell - they could elope next week. I thought I would be upset that I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough to spend the couple hundred bucks to finalize it. I wasn't enough to move forward with. I wasn't enough to get married with. I wasn't enough.
But, the funny thing is, I'm okay with it.. I am okay knowing that I wasn't enough, and that she is. I'm actually happy that he found someone worth the hassle of divorcing. Worth moving forward with. I wasn't, and that's okay. I just wish we didn't waste so much time getting to that conclusion. Our last big fight, he made mention of him sitting by my bedside after my accident, just to make sure I was okay. I made a comment about Barbie being by my bedside too.. so he wasn't alone was he? He's had her the whole time... Aaaand that was it. Enemies, because there is no worse feeling then when you realize you are wrong in the argument..
We don't talk anymore. He's angry at me again, mostly because I question the validity of his relationship timeline. I have a hard time believing his version of events. His truth when the evidence points to otherwise. But the thing is, who really cares? Why does it matter when they decided they were more than friends? Why does it matter when he decided he didn't love me anymore? All that should matter is he is happy, and I am happy. It is just unfortunate that he can't see past his hatred for me to be amicable for the children. Maybe one day, maybe not. Either way, I'm okay with it.
I met someone (Well I've met a few someones) but one in particular I have spent a bit of time with. He makes me laugh. He is just as witty, smart-mouthed, clumsy, and weird as I am. It's kinda funny actually. It is nice, not having to pretend. Not having to be something you're not, and still being liked for being you. My friendship with him is easy, we just get along.
Shouldn't it be easy? They always say relationships take work, you have to work at it.. but maybe you don't. Maybe it should be easy. Maybe we should be able to lay it all out on the table, handfuls of flaws and quirks, and the other person does the same. And you match flaws, and you match wits.
It's nice, knowing that what I say isn't misunderstood. I can be as sarcastic as I want, and I don't need to worry that my words are being misconstrued into negativity. I can be silly, weird, quirky, and don't have to worry. I can be me, and I know that this person actually likes me for me. He likes my flaws, my weird. He finds me funny, not annoying. He gets me. I don't have to explain myself.
So maybe that's it. Maybe it should be easy, maybe a relationship shouldn't be so much work that it isn't fun anymore.
I don't know where my new friendship is going. I know that we enjoy each others company. He makes me smile. I make him smile. I know that I am cautious, I am careful. I also know, that even if this does crash and burn, there is a lesson here too.
There are people out there who like me for me. Not for who they think I could be, not for what my "potential" is, but for me. They don't like what I could be if I just changed this opinion, or this attitude, or this quirk.
They like me. For me.
I'm enough for them. For someone, I am everything they have always wanted, just the way I am.
I won't settle for someone who doesn't see that.