I'm a thinker. It's what I do. On an Insta Post I would hashtag it #SarahsThinkThings
Someone recently asked me (and I mean this morning) why I do I over think things so much. Why do I always assume the worst? Why can I never believe what I'm told?
I know why. But it's complicated.. #SarahsAreComplicated
Buckle up, dear readers...
Growing up, it was just me, and my younger sister. Yes, there were Aunts, Uncles, Parents, Step-Parents, Step-Siblings etc. But when it came right down to who's there, who's got your back.. It was me and her.
I will spare you the details of our childhood, but it was pretty much an emotionless one. We grew up in a house where our parents co-existed. We never saw them kiss or hug, never heard I love yous, and when we did - it was followed with actions that were definitely NOT loving. We were surrounded by negativity.
Now, you've all heard that children do as they see. My sister and I saw a lot of negativity. We were taught to do it ourselves, because no one will help you. We were taught that people always let you down. Our own parents let us down.
So it was her and I. Taking a taxi to daycare.(A 6 year old instructing the driver on where to go). Cooking KD for dinner. Consoling each other when our parents would argue, or when they didn't - because that was much much worse.
Sister and I. Against the world.
As young adults, we built relationships; based on what we had learned. We dated people who didn't respect us, who were emotionally unavailable (as we were), who saw us as nothing more that something-to-do-for-now. We had messed up views on what we thought was right, what we thought love was. And we looked for that. We looked for negativity, for people who modeled our parents. Modeled what we believed love was.
And then, we learned that love itself, was a lie. Love was something that Disney movies taught you (but you'd only find it after one of your parents died). Love was something that you said lightly, but your actions never reflected. We learned that you could be terrible to each other, but as long as you said you loved each other it was okay. That's what this love thing is.
Thus - trying to shorten the story - we formed unhealthy relationships and assumed those people loved us because they said so. We allowed people to treat us negatively, because we thought that was okay. We were lied to, cheated on, hurt, all by those who claimed they loved us. Over time, we started believing that everyone was full of shit. When someone would tell one of us we were beautiful, we'd roll our eyes and question what they wanted. When someone was nice to us, we would question what they wanted in return. Someone told me the other day that I was a pretty amazing person. I laughed, like ugly snort laugh. I mean, I think I'm awesome, but why would you tell me that?
It isn't a self-esteem thing, that's where you are wrong. We are both smart, witty, funny beautiful women. We both have good jobs and are down to earth. We have no issues with self-esteem. What we struggle with (or what I mostly struggle with, Sister still believes in the goodness of people) is why someone would tell me that. I automatically default to the fact that they are lying because they want something. Whether it's a favour (quit underlining my "u"'s - I'm Canadian) information, or sex.. I truly have a hard time believing that someone is actually telling me the truth, and that they don't want anything in return.
This makes me a very difficult person to get to know, and a difficult person to like. I totally understand that. People always tell me I have RBF - Resting Bitch Face. I probably do around those people because I'm trying to figure out what their angle is. What is it that they want from me?
The last person who claimed they loved me, loved me by cheating on me numerous times and trying to turn me into something he wanted, but I wasn't. Being back in the dating world has only reinforced these barriers, I have met people that say one thing, & do another. People that creep me out, and people that said they liked my weird, but then couldn't handle me dancing to a song in the car. (PS - never tell a Sarah to stop dancing if you know whats good for you) So - I put up barriers, my heart is surrounded by a barbed wire fence and caution tape. I over think everything, because there's no way what you are saying to me can actually be true. I don't trust you. I don't trust that you aren't lying to me. And when something happens, something that doesn't add up - I go WorstCaseScenario. It's my superpower. I automatically think the worst, but sister is pretty good at talking me down. Wife is too. They always feed me more probable outcomes, on a spoon.. And wife makes airplane noises too.. I'm joking.. maybe.
Anyways, if you're still with me.. This is some of what makes me, me. Sarah's can be difficult, complicated and irrational. But give me a little time.. Feed me, & I'll come around.
Someone recently asked me (and I mean this morning) why I do I over think things so much. Why do I always assume the worst? Why can I never believe what I'm told?
I know why. But it's complicated.. #SarahsAreComplicated
Buckle up, dear readers...
Growing up, it was just me, and my younger sister. Yes, there were Aunts, Uncles, Parents, Step-Parents, Step-Siblings etc. But when it came right down to who's there, who's got your back.. It was me and her.
I will spare you the details of our childhood, but it was pretty much an emotionless one. We grew up in a house where our parents co-existed. We never saw them kiss or hug, never heard I love yous, and when we did - it was followed with actions that were definitely NOT loving. We were surrounded by negativity.
Now, you've all heard that children do as they see. My sister and I saw a lot of negativity. We were taught to do it ourselves, because no one will help you. We were taught that people always let you down. Our own parents let us down.
So it was her and I. Taking a taxi to daycare.(A 6 year old instructing the driver on where to go). Cooking KD for dinner. Consoling each other when our parents would argue, or when they didn't - because that was much much worse.
Sister and I. Against the world.
As young adults, we built relationships; based on what we had learned. We dated people who didn't respect us, who were emotionally unavailable (as we were), who saw us as nothing more that something-to-do-for-now. We had messed up views on what we thought was right, what we thought love was. And we looked for that. We looked for negativity, for people who modeled our parents. Modeled what we believed love was.
And then, we learned that love itself, was a lie. Love was something that Disney movies taught you (but you'd only find it after one of your parents died). Love was something that you said lightly, but your actions never reflected. We learned that you could be terrible to each other, but as long as you said you loved each other it was okay. That's what this love thing is.
Thus - trying to shorten the story - we formed unhealthy relationships and assumed those people loved us because they said so. We allowed people to treat us negatively, because we thought that was okay. We were lied to, cheated on, hurt, all by those who claimed they loved us. Over time, we started believing that everyone was full of shit. When someone would tell one of us we were beautiful, we'd roll our eyes and question what they wanted. When someone was nice to us, we would question what they wanted in return. Someone told me the other day that I was a pretty amazing person. I laughed, like ugly snort laugh. I mean, I think I'm awesome, but why would you tell me that?
It isn't a self-esteem thing, that's where you are wrong. We are both smart, witty, funny beautiful women. We both have good jobs and are down to earth. We have no issues with self-esteem. What we struggle with (or what I mostly struggle with, Sister still believes in the goodness of people) is why someone would tell me that. I automatically default to the fact that they are lying because they want something. Whether it's a favour (quit underlining my "u"'s - I'm Canadian) information, or sex.. I truly have a hard time believing that someone is actually telling me the truth, and that they don't want anything in return.
This makes me a very difficult person to get to know, and a difficult person to like. I totally understand that. People always tell me I have RBF - Resting Bitch Face. I probably do around those people because I'm trying to figure out what their angle is. What is it that they want from me?
The last person who claimed they loved me, loved me by cheating on me numerous times and trying to turn me into something he wanted, but I wasn't. Being back in the dating world has only reinforced these barriers, I have met people that say one thing, & do another. People that creep me out, and people that said they liked my weird, but then couldn't handle me dancing to a song in the car. (PS - never tell a Sarah to stop dancing if you know whats good for you) So - I put up barriers, my heart is surrounded by a barbed wire fence and caution tape. I over think everything, because there's no way what you are saying to me can actually be true. I don't trust you. I don't trust that you aren't lying to me. And when something happens, something that doesn't add up - I go WorstCaseScenario. It's my superpower. I automatically think the worst, but sister is pretty good at talking me down. Wife is too. They always feed me more probable outcomes, on a spoon.. And wife makes airplane noises too.. I'm joking.. maybe.
Anyways, if you're still with me.. This is some of what makes me, me. Sarah's can be difficult, complicated and irrational. But give me a little time.. Feed me, & I'll come around.