Anyways, the first thing I do when I get up is put the kettle on for tea and wash my face. I have to let the water run a minute or so to get warm, and as I do I see a little yellow spider on the wall beside the mirror.
He has black feet. "Hi Boots" I say, without even thinking.
Boots was a spider that popped up in our 2nd townhouse the BigGuy and I lived in. He followed us when we moved to the house. Always hanging around the bathroom, Always with black feet. The BigGuy named him, and never tried to relocate him. Boots was a pet, if he can be a pet. We would look for him before showering, to make sure we wouldn't accidentally drown him.
I know it isn't the same Boots - That would be one hell of a journey... But it offered me comfort. Like a piece of home. Maybe I share custody of a duck and spider.
i didn't go to church this morning. I wanted to, but couldn't get myself out of bed. Even now, I'm putting off having a shower while writing and drinking tea. My grandfather is having an 80th Birthday party today, which my sister and I are going to. I have mixed feelings about it. Yes, I want to go to wish him a happy birthday, but I really don't want to see everyone. They always ask me "How are you?", "No really, you're sure", "It's ok, you'll move on", "You're strong, you'll be fine"
I want to scream from the top of my lungs "I'M NOT OK" because I'm not. I want to tell them how angry I am, how I lost everything - while my dear friend Barbie gained it all. I don't recall being so angry & hurt all at the same time before.
But nobody wants to hear that. No one wants to deal with that. No one knows how to deal with that, because I've never been that before. Or this. Whatever tense I am writing in.
.
Everybody wants the happy ending. The good. The lies.
Doesn't anybody want the truth anymore?