So, last week I'm heading to work (the second work - cause its a 2 income life these days) and the mall is packed, its a few days before Christmas.
I get off the elevator and guess who I see. TheDude, arm in arm with the new girlfriend. We locked eyes for a second, but both quickly looked away. Because we don't know each other anymore.
So I make it to the store, lock myself in the bathroom and proceed to fight the bile that decided to climb up my throat. I give myself 5 minutes. 5 emotional minutes.. Then put on the fake smile I'm so good at lately and walk out on the sales floor.
I knew she existed. I saw it on Social Media (I have since un-friended him) I guess I just wasn't ready to see it in real life. Maybe part of me thought it wasn't that serious. I dunno what I thought. All I know is that it was terrible. It made me feel awful.
He probably didn't even notice. Didn't even give it a second thought. I was nothing but a number to him, I know that. He doesn't want me, or miss me,just lied to me the entire time. I know that too. I just can't figure out why it bothered me so much to see him with her.
Maybe because he is so happy? And I'm not? Maybe because he moved on so easily and I haven't? Realistically, there wasn't anything for him to move on from, so I shouldn't be shocked. But, normally I'm much better at these things. Hell, the BigGuy and I broke up, the same fucking weekend he was out at the Keg with my (EX) Best Friend for a romantic dinner. I was totally over that in a few months. (Maybe it helped finding out all the women he was with while we were together, but I digress) Why is this situation different? We on;y fake-dated a year. Not a dozen like the BigGuy previously. Why could I get over that so easy, and not this?
Boxing Day, at the mall with Spawn and the nephew and who do I see at SportChek? TheDude again, with his kid this time (thank goodness) I'm not sure he saw me.. but they turned to leave awful quickly and I dived into the HatRack. It's a big fucking town. You'd think I wouldn't see him. I don't want to see him, because it ruins my day.
Why do I let it? I wish I knew. I wish I had the answer for why I can't get over this one. Why I can't just move on like the other times. What am I still hanging on to? Why do I still feel like we are supposed to be together? I now know what his intentions were, he broke every promise he made to me. Made me his scapegoat. so why do I want him back? I hate myself for it.
It's so fucking pathetic.
I get off the elevator and guess who I see. TheDude, arm in arm with the new girlfriend. We locked eyes for a second, but both quickly looked away. Because we don't know each other anymore.
So I make it to the store, lock myself in the bathroom and proceed to fight the bile that decided to climb up my throat. I give myself 5 minutes. 5 emotional minutes.. Then put on the fake smile I'm so good at lately and walk out on the sales floor.
I knew she existed. I saw it on Social Media (I have since un-friended him) I guess I just wasn't ready to see it in real life. Maybe part of me thought it wasn't that serious. I dunno what I thought. All I know is that it was terrible. It made me feel awful.
He probably didn't even notice. Didn't even give it a second thought. I was nothing but a number to him, I know that. He doesn't want me, or miss me,just lied to me the entire time. I know that too. I just can't figure out why it bothered me so much to see him with her.
Maybe because he is so happy? And I'm not? Maybe because he moved on so easily and I haven't? Realistically, there wasn't anything for him to move on from, so I shouldn't be shocked. But, normally I'm much better at these things. Hell, the BigGuy and I broke up, the same fucking weekend he was out at the Keg with my (EX) Best Friend for a romantic dinner. I was totally over that in a few months. (Maybe it helped finding out all the women he was with while we were together, but I digress) Why is this situation different? We on;y fake-dated a year. Not a dozen like the BigGuy previously. Why could I get over that so easy, and not this?
Boxing Day, at the mall with Spawn and the nephew and who do I see at SportChek? TheDude again, with his kid this time (thank goodness) I'm not sure he saw me.. but they turned to leave awful quickly and I dived into the HatRack. It's a big fucking town. You'd think I wouldn't see him. I don't want to see him, because it ruins my day.
Why do I let it? I wish I knew. I wish I had the answer for why I can't get over this one. Why I can't just move on like the other times. What am I still hanging on to? Why do I still feel like we are supposed to be together? I now know what his intentions were, he broke every promise he made to me. Made me his scapegoat. so why do I want him back? I hate myself for it.
It's so fucking pathetic.